LenaeBeth

*This week is National Infertility Awareness week. 1 in 8 couples are affected by infertility. You probably have someone in your life who is silently suffering from this crushing disease (yes, infertility is a disease). Make yourself aware, and please keep everyone on this painful journey in your thoughts and prayers.

I have been pretty open about my and my husband's struggle with infertility. I am a pretty open person in general, and I find it cathartic to talk through and write out my thoughts and feelings. I have been so fortunate to have a community of friends and family who are thoughtful and supportive. It has also been so meaningful to me to have other women who have been or are in my shoes be open about their journeys. Even though all of our stories are different, there is something comforting about what we have in common. I know I'm not alone in this, and for that I am thankful.

One thing that has caused a little pain in being so open is that people don't always know what to say. Infertility is a sad and uncomfortable topic. I get it. People have good intentions, but there are some things said often that are just not comforting. I hear lots of things that aren't really helpful (there are even lists out there if you want some examples), but one phrase bothers me more than the rest:

"Everything happens for a reason."

(If you have ever said this to me, I'm not mad at you are hurt by you. I know you meant well. That's why I'm explaining my problem with this phrase.)

My reasons for disliking this phrase have to do with my faith. It's totally understandable that we as human beings want to make sense of everything. It makes us feel a little more in control. If something has no real purpose, we can't make sense of it. But I don't believe that's the way life works, as not everything makes sense. This isn't unique to infertility. When we take on the attitude that everything happens for a reason, it's easy to fall into the trap of believing that our actions and behaviors can dictate how God feels about us. Romans 8 tells us that God works for the good of those who love him and that absolutely nothing can separate us from his love. Jarrid Wilson explained this better than I ever could:

"We live in a fallen world, a world full of sinful people, people who are in need of the grace of Jesus. With this being said, we have to understand that there are things in this world that are going to take place that aren't of God, his character or his doing. He may have allowed them to happen, but he didn't forcefully direct them.... I hold true to my belief that God does not have his hand in sin, darkness or anything contrary to that of good as it states in 1 John 1:5, 2 Corinthians 5:1 and 1 John 3:5"

I'm not suffering from infertility because of something I did or something I need to learn. If Ahmed & I are able to have a child one day, it won't be because we learned our lesson, so to speak. We live in a fallen world. Infertility is a result of sin and nothing else. Do I believe God has the power to cure our infertility at any moment? Absolutely. But just because he hasn't does not mean that he has left us alone in this. Everyone has struggles. Infertility isn't fair. Life isn't fair, but God told us we would have trouble in this life. He offers eventual relief from this pain through salvation, but the relief isn't immediate. I also believe that God can and has (and will continue to) use our situation for good. The only way I can remain hopeful in all of this is by trusting and knowing that God is in control, and no matter what happens or how long this journey is, my identity is still in Christ.

PS. If you still don't know what to say to me, that's okay. Feel free to ask me how I'm doing, or just give me a hug. :) What I really have found most comforting is when someone simply lets me know they are thinking of me.

Ahmed, Griffin, & me

Let me premise this by saying I can only speak for myself. Everyone deals with things differently, and that is okay.

A couple of years ago, Ahmed and I decided to "just see what happens" (you know what I mean). Several months later, there were some indications that everything wasn't as it should be. And here we are today, two years later, deep in the world of infertility. Doctors, tests, medications, lots of tears, and lots of doctor bills... it's not pretty. However, we are so fortunate. We have very supportive and loving friends and family. I have never felt alone, as I know too many others who have/are going down this road too. I have been so comforted by those who have been vulnerable and open, so I have decided to share a little too.

Just a few years ago, we were in the season of life when everyone was getting married. We were invited to 15 weddings in one summer. So, logically, we are currently in the season of life when everyone is having babies. I am constantly bombarded with baby announcements on social media. Some days, that's really hard. Recently I was brought to tears by a friend's baby announcement, because I realized it was her second time announcing a baby since we have been trying to have one.

Infertility really sucks and it's not fair, but here I some things I want you to know:

• I am SO happy for you. Really, even through my tears. Please keep sharing your baby announcements and pictures of your baby bumps and babies. I would never want anyone to feel guilty about one of the greatest joys in life just because not everyone is able to experience it.

• Yes, I want to come to your baby showers and talk about your babies and hold your babies. This might not be true for everyone dealing with infertility, but as a nanny I have spent so much time with kids and babies that I don't feel left out when you talk about all things baby.

• While I want to do these things, it's still hard sometimes. It's okay to ask me how I'm doing. More than anything, it means so much when I know you're thinking about me. Hugs are nice too :)

• Please don't feel guilty when you don't enjoy every moment of being a parent. Infertility is hard, but so is having a baby and raising kids. I know how hard it is to deal with a colicky baby or a terrible two year old, and I get to clock out every day.

• This is a tricky road to navigate, and I know you mean well. A friend (not aware of our situation) told us how lucky we are that we don't have to deal with kids yet. Another friend said (not directly to or about me) that if God wants you to get pregnant, you'll get pregnant. Those words hurt, but I know they weren't meant to. I don't think we should go through life trying to tip-toe around everyone's feelings, but we can at least try to be aware.

• Infertility is more common than most people think (1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining preganancy). Also, not everyone wants kids. I can't count the number of times I have been asked when we're going to have kids, or even worse, being told it's about time I have a baby. Unless someone offers this information, it is no one's business when or if any couple is going to have a baby. Just don't ask.

As consuming as infertility is, it doesn't define me. I have the most wonderful husband, an amazing family, and the sweetest dog. We have a nice house, good jobs, and the means to deal with this all. In January, we had the opportunity to go to Hawaii, just for fun. I will always cherish this time as just me and Ahmed, because God willing, when we have a baby, everything will change.

I am so grateful for all of the love and support we have received, and I appreciate your continued prayers as we continue this journey.

*If you are going through infertility yourself and would like someone to talk to, PLEASE reach out to me! I have found so much comfort in talking to others who have been here. You are not alone!